There's me in Here

I'm putting it out there!

2010-12-06T22:48:00.003-06:00

No, not THAT. You perv. :P

Seriously, though... I've gotten to that point in life again where I become so unhappy with myself that I launch a campaign of dramatic reform. The time is almost nigh, and I thought maybe putting it out publicly would make me hold myself more accountable for following through with my plans (something I'm notoriously bad at doing... I blame ADD. :P ). I'm putting it out there now because I don't want this to be confused for a New Year's resolution (which I don't believe in). However, I also think it's a little foolish for me to try to start any changes during the holiday season. So, I'm allowing myself this last time to fully indulge before I really shake things up. Merry Christmas to me! :P

I have decided that it's time to lose some weight and get back into shape. It's only partially about how I appear to myself in the mirror every day (I'm not really narcissistic). I think it's really about just being happy with oneself (which I'm not), and so that calls for a change in how I conduct certain aspects of my life. Gonna have to say "So Long" to my old pal, Dr. Pepper and ALL fast food. That's not going to be easy. :P As far as exercise goes, I'm just going to have to MAKE time for it. Having a soon-to-be toddler makes doing anything for any extended period of time extremely difficult. I'm thinking that morning is going to be about my best shot it because by the time I get home from work in the evening, exercise is the last thing on my mind.

TV. TV has got too much of a hold on me, it's time to cut the cord. Not literally, of course, don't worry honey. :P But, I need to drastically reduce the amount of time I spend in front of it. I want & need to read more, to my son and for myself. Socialization is also a goal, we have family and friends that we need to visit more often. Bear is getting old enough to really start interacting with other children, and I love watching him grow and change.

My photography, my art, is so important to me. I, along with my incredibly talented husband, have made a goal for us in 2011 to have a gallery show. To see our pictures hanging on the wall of an art gallery would be so incredible. This will require some work, some money and some leg work. But I think that this is something that I really need to achieve.

I'm feeling very optimistic. I'm enjoying myself now, indulging in things I shouldn't, and knowing it will all end soon. And I'm very OK with that. :)

Coffee's Brewing

2010-11-28T21:18:00.003-06:00

Well, not really. But, the water is on for coffee. Instant coffee with Baileys. This is what I drink now, I guess. *shrug*

Had a mini meltdown this morning. I'm stressing myself out unconsciously, I need to quit. But, I'm still trying my best to maintain. Baby steps... baby steps...

I'm eyeballing the empty canvas hanging right outside my door in the garage. I think it's about time to slap some paint onto it.

*coffee's "percolating" now*

Got quite a bit of work done around the house this weekend, which always makes me feel good. I like to feel like I've accomplished something. My short attention span doesn't want me to be adept at finishing tasks before I've wandered off.

*time for Bailey's!*

Mmmmm.... That hits the spot. #2 for the day but spread out over many hours.

I'm laughing at my dearest who's drooling over guitars online next to me. How I love him. :)

Guess I'm just filling time and space here, didn't really come into this post with a real topic in mind.

So this is what you get. *NYAH* :P :P :P

Settin' it straight!

2010-11-22T22:28:00.008-06:00

I have a blog that's in draft form at the moment, which is about a Christmas list that I spontaneously generated but didn't get to finish. I'm rather ashamed of myself at the moment, however, that I decided to jump ahead to what I want for Christmas instead of focusing on what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving season. And, being the lovely little OCD person that I am, I'm actually going to LIST some of the many things that I'm thankful for this year. I love lists, they soothe me and help me navigate through this chaotic and unstructured world. LOL

#1 - My absolutely adorable and special and totally rad Bears, Daddy and Baby Bear. They are the light of my life, the reason I get up in the morning (usually before both of them :P ); they are the reason that I do everything. I cannot imagine my life without either one, they are truly essential to my being.

#2 - My truly generous and supportive and big-hearted family, my parents and my grandmothers and my cousins who have given so much to us that there is no way that I could possibly repay all of them in this lifetime. I should not and cannot fail to acknowledge my truly special mother-in-law who I am eternally grateful for and wish that she lived closer.

#3 - My friends, those wonderful people who bring sunshine into my heart and my life. A big shout-out to the awesome Tulsa Area Mom's group that brought many of these women into my life. They truly are my sanity in my travels through motherhood. I love them! :)

#4 - My job, and my job helps me to be ever so thankful TO have that job. Every day I see people looking for jobs, updating resumes, testing for certifications. My heart goes out to them and makes me appreciate that I'm not only working and getting a paycheck, but working with some truly amazing individuals. A few have moved on to newer and different things in their lives and new ones have moved in, but I absolutely love my co-workers (throughout the entire library system and I love that I get paid to help people). I am truly blessed.

#5 - I am thankful for the people that have given their lives before, are giving their lives now, or will give them in the future, to protect the country that I live in and the freedoms that I am grateful to have. Military, police, fire, paramedics...I'm sure that my brain is forgetting someone but my heart is not.

It feels like there is more that I should be thankful for, and I believe that I am, but I'm finding myself sitting here and blankly staring at my desk trying to come up with a #6. I feel pretty confident that I've hit the super important parts of my life that I'm thankful for, and will spend from here on out finding something else every day to appreciate. :)

My "Christmas List"

2010-11-21T15:15:00.012-06:00

This is in no way a passive-aggressive method of getting anyone to buy me Christmas gifts, I just thought it would be fun to list one out since I haven't actually made one in a number of years. I'm sure I wouldn't be located on Santa's "Nice" list, so it's really just to make myself feel good. LOL So, let's start with the realistic list:

Candles, oh how I LOOOOOOOVE candles. Yankee candles are by far my favorite, some of Target's candles are quite yummy, and then there are the Glade and Febreeze candles that I've recently gained quite an appreciation for.
Gift cards, most especially for places that sell gas. But, I'll pretty much accept a gift from anywhere. I can find SOMETHING I like just about everywhere (especially when I just hand over the gift card LOL).
Manicure, pedicure, massage, facial... Any or all of them, just need a little pampering.
A sushi lunch or dinner, with my love or a good friend.
Wine, preferably red (like a cab, a shiraz, a merlot) but I'm really not one to turn down wine of any sort.
Flowers, they are one of my most favorite photographic subjects.
Did I mention Candles and Wine?

And now for some seriously wishful thinking:

A positive self-image, a fair amount of self-esteem and a smattering of courage

A return of family members who are greatly missed

The return of good friends who have moved away

The ability to take back all the horrible things I've said and done in my lifetime

A Union Jack Mini Cooper

An English Bulldog puppy

A year-long excursion to Europe

I know that there are other things that I could add to these lists, but they are really only just for "giggles". This Christmas is going to be more about watching my nearly 1 year old son enjoy the heck out of "opening" his packages and spending quality time with my family.

The (Good?) Old Days

2010-11-20T22:18:00.002-06:00

There have been, and continue to be, occurrences/situations/what-have-you's, that involve people and situations from my "old" life. How to proceed? What's appropriate? What makes me comfortable/uncomfortable? What would/could/should make others uncomfortable?

I often in conversation, when people are talking about and reminiscing about things they've done in the past, the places they've gone and such, crazy things they've done, etc., clam up and decide that it's probably better for me to not participate. It almost seems inappropriate (and at least somewhat uncomfortable to me) to discuss a life, with lots of memories and friendships, that no longer exists. Or if I do decide to let slip a little bit of information, I keep it as general as possible all the while detailing the important bits.

Moving and the subsequent unpacking led me to discover two boxes of photos (and framed photos) of said past life. I hesitated, chewed on my nails, walked away from them, came back to them several hours later, looked at the boxes, chewed on my nails... Do I keep these? I mean, getting rid of them is almost like throwing away a piece of my life, whether it is a life that I'm living at this point. But keeping them is a somewhat painful reminder and, in doing so, I'm afraid that it'll be uncomfortable to people. Plus, explaining who these total strangers are to people who don't know is just another twist of the knife.

And just now I'm thinking, "Why are the pictures and conversations bothering you? You seem to encounter them somehow rather frequently on Facebook." No one is specifically interacting with ME, but these pictures and stories involve my experiences with my past.

I'm keeping the pictures, occasionally I paw through them (generally going through large chunks, taking my time with each one is just too much) but for the most part they stay stored and rarely looked at.

I'm also keeping the memories, there are some truly great ones. Maybe I'll journal them sometime. As far as sharing them, I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I guess it all just depends on the situation and how I feel and such.

It seems strange to be bothered by all of this, since I am so happy in my life now. And I hope that everyone that I knew has the same thing. As painful as it was, I believe that things happened the way that it was supposed to, for the best of each and every one of us.

So I've been thinking

2010-11-17T23:32:00.002-06:00

There was a time, some years ago, when I was laid off from my job (first time that had happened) and it really threw me into a downward spiral. I got really depressed and hit rock-bottom. Then one day I decided that I'd had enough, and began to work out for something insane like 2 hours a day. I also made myself a "To Do" list every single day, wrote it big on a white board for me to see and work on finishing every single day. It kinda gave me a sense of purpose, something to work towards every day, which felt good when I had erased the last thing.

I'm not sure that I can pull off the working out for 2 hours a day thing, but I'm DEFINITELY going to do something about losing the baby weight and get myself back on track. I've never met a single human being that doesn't have some kind of value to what they look like, so I am not ashamed to admit that I feel the need to improve things about my physical appearance to feel better about myself. It just matters to me, it is what it is.

The "To-Do" list has recently come to me as being a good idea. And I mean a "To-Do" list that goes beyond waking with the baby, changing the baby, feeding the baby, playing with the baby, putting the baby down for naps, washing bottles, doing laundry, occasionally indulging in my crime shows, and getting ready for work. I love being a mother, I love my son more than I can even express in words, but I gotta have something more than this.

I want to fix things that are going wrong. I have no health insurance so I can't see anybody about these problems. And, is that what is truly needed? I've taken medication before and it does help certain things but it comes with its own set of problems. I have a very bad taste in my mouth from them, I'm reluctant to walk that path again.

But I can't deny any longer what's happening. The question is, what am I going to do about it?

Rollercoaster of Suck

2010-11-16T22:02:00.004-06:00

Man, do I feel like I've hit a brick wall doing about 100 mph. There is so much discord going on upstairs, I can't hardly make sense of anything. My perception and emotions and judgment are all out of whack. And there is only but a tenuous hold on the ability to control my actions in response to my perceptions and emotions. I'm seeing things that aren't there, that aren't real. Not like giant penguins or anything like that but like imagined scenarios that don't include me, other people's motives in being a part of my life, thoughts and feelings that people have about me. And so often I'm convinced that there is malice afoot that I blindly lash out in what feels like self-defense to me but is, in reality, utter insanity. In the short time that I've been back in Tulsa, I have alienated more people than I believe I have in my entire life beforehand. These poor people are innocent, merely attempting to establish and build a friendship with me and I go and wreck it with my insane antics and hot-headed attitude. And, even worse, it seems on many days that I'm doing the same thing to my family and beloved husband. I'm honestly surprised that I've managed to maintain the few friendships I have these days.

I'm really disliking myself alot these days. And that serves to create even more chaos and anxiety. Where does it end?

This ride sucks, I want off. :(

A Day in the Park with Lisa

2010-11-07T10:32:00.003-06:00

My girl Lisa and I took advantage of the beautiful November afternoon to go shoot some pretty pictures at Zink Park. We had fun walking around, talking and laughing and creating some art. :) She's just beginning her modeling journey but she's a natural.

Hey, nice to see you again!

2010-11-05T20:50:00.003-05:00

So it's been awhile...

I'm notoriously bad at keeping up with these things, at least on a consistent basis. But, I HAVE been a tad bit busy as of late. I'm just NOW thinking of writing.

The latest catastrophe (No, I'm trying to be more positive. It's an occurrence.) has been.... uhhhh..... interesting to say the least. I really never thought I'd find myself in that position. It's just not something that ever entered my mind as being in the realm of possibilities. I'm a slow-learner. However I am very confident that this lesson will stick.

They say that there are blessings in disguise, and I absolutely feel like this is one of them. We are definitely unhappy with HOW everything came to an end (don't get me started on the details, I'll rail on all night), and the expediency in which things needed to be achieved. BUT we DID get it all achieved. And, we are so much happier with this place. It FEELS better, it's felt like home literally from day one. There are minor things that still need to happen to be "fully" settled, but we are 99% settled and it feels AWESOME.

I really feel like the other house was beginning to weigh me down. It has some incredibly wonderful memories associated with it, and some incredibly painful ones at the same time. But we can keep those memories even after we've moved on, those can't be foreclosed on and taken away from us. It always felt dank, the awful green paint was starting to feel like a wet blanket, the creepy crawlies that were constantly invading us (*shudder*). The list goes on and on. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm not at all sorry to be gone from there.

We do miss Midtown very much, it was so awesome being in that part of town and so close to EVERYTHING. We're a bit on the outskirts now, but that's the trade-off for the very nice place we have now. We got so spoiled by being just down the street from so many kick ass places. *sigh* Still stings a little bit, but it's not like we can't ever go back. It'll just take us 40 minutes to get there.

All in all, this move has been the best thing for our family and it seems for my state of mind. New place, new start.

I'm back.

It's Been Awhile

2010-10-03T14:50:00.011-05:00

Hello there, Blog. Nice to see you again. I know it's been awhile. Things have been pretty hectic for the last several weeks, and I'm sorry to say that blogging has been very low on the priority list.

First of all, the lovely wreck that completely destroyed my Little Green Jelly Bean. *sniff* *sniff* It was a good car, and kept me safe from a 65mph head-on collision with a concrete wall. And I got a VERY nice replacement car, so I can't complain. The insurance company was very generous with their settlement on the car, now we're in the stages of settling for my inconvenience and pain & suffering. We'll see how long they drag their feet on that one.

Then, we had Jim's older boys here for 2 weeks while their mother took care of a family emergency in Louisiana. THAT was interesting, considering they had only JUST left our house for a visit just a month earlier. We tried a chore board with them. It worked so-so, but we're going to keep at it. The good part out of all of it is that all the brothers get along FAMOUSLY. :)

Cadence is now crawling like a champ, pulling himself up on virtually anything stationary, beginning to feed himself little rice puffs, babbling up a storm and on the VERY edge of having his first teeth surface. Our little man is growing up so fast!

Our duplex has been foreclosed on, and will be up for auction in a couple of weeks. That was definitely the first time we've had THAT situation come up. We'll see how it pans out, but I know that we're both ready to be rid of our crappy slumlord. AND, we've gotten at least one month's rent FREE! w00t!!! We are safe until the end of our lease, which we signed not even a month before the official foreclosure papers showed up. We're good to stay until next summer. And hopefully by then we'll have gotten our debts and credit all straightened out and saved enough money to be able to buy our OWN house. I've done that once before, it's a great feeling.

OK, I guess that's about all for now. My fingers are tired from typing.

More later!

An Open Letter to My Neighbors

2010-09-10T09:39:00.001-05:00

Here is the contents of the letter that was distributed to my neighbors in response to a complaint to the City about my wrecked car.

If you are the person kind enough to call the City of Tulsa to complain about the wrecked vehicle in my yard, then please read on. Otherwise, you may disregard this message.

FIRST OF ALL, I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't hurt in the wreck I was involved in on Saturday, September 4th. Thankfully I was alone in the car and the driver of the other car wasn't injured as well. Unfortunately, as you can tell, my car was not so lucky. I tell you all of this because your concern for the well-being of a neighbor and fellow man is OVERWHELMINGLY apparent.

As you seem to be unaware, when one is involved in a collision with another vehicle (especially when it isn't your fault), dealing with the quarreling insurance comapnies can be somewhat time consuming. I have been working round the clock (along with trying to recover from my minor injuries) to come to a settlement with both companies and have the appropriate party come pick up the car. Luckily, it seems that things are moving along smoothly and the car will be gone either today or tomorrow. I apologize that my mangled vehicle was obviously so vile to have offended your delicate sensibilities.

I appreciate you allowing me from Sunday (when the vehicle was brought home to me) until Thursday morning before calling the City to make them aware. That's sure what I needed to get me motivated on this claim, otherwise I might've just let the car sit like that in the yard for who knows how long. Leaving broken down cars sitting in my yard for indeterminate periods of time is a weakness of mine. I can't BELIEVE I let 3 WHOLE DAYS go by with the car STILL sitting in the yard!!! How AWFUL that must've been for you.

Your pain and suffering will soon be over, I assure you.

And thanks again.

BRING IT!

2010-09-09T23:46:00.009-05:00

**WARNING** I'm gonna piss and moan because it's my party and WHATEVA! I do what I want!

So, I feel tired and beat up after the last 5 days I've had. First of all the wreck with all of it's lovely glory. Couldn't move forward with the claim until I got the police report because the dipshit who hit me couldn't have a normal conversation with me enough for me to get his information, he immediately rattled off insults and shouting and cursing. But, turns out he was only 16 so that makes total sense to me now.

My car was returned to my house on Sunday, the day after the wreck, and was placed in the yard (where I normally park) until we got the insurance straight and the responsible party would come pick it up.

So this morning, after I put Bear down for his morning nap I look out the front window and notice a man walking around my car, making notes and talking to my neighbor. I quickly put my shoes on and go outside and ask him if there was a problem. He said that he was issuing me a warning, that a neighbor (not the one he was speaking to earlier) in the cul-de-sac had complained about the vehicle and that it was in violation of several city ordinances. I told him what was going on and that the car would be removed soon by the insurance company. He said it should be fine if I had the car removed by the end of the week. At this point I could barely speak, I was fighting back tears of anger and frustration. He gave me the notices and left. Stunned and close to rage was about how I was feeling as I walked back inside.

This came after a situation with my dear hubby's ex came to a point where we are immediately taking the older boys into our home for the next 2 weeks. That's all fine and dandy but this decision happened within a 24 hour notice. And they had also just been here for their summer visit not a month ago. I, ashamedly so, was not prepared to have to deal with them again so quickly. Mostly it's because we're already in such a small place. We're crammed in just the 3 of us, when you make it 5 (and Flopsy and I are the only girls) it gets crowded and uncomfortable QUICKLY. But, it really is in the best interest of the boys and being a mother I can't have them go anywhere but with us so I'll make the best of it. Jim got a phone call at 6:30 am and was on the road to Colorado by 9:00 am to retrieve them.

And, sure, why not? Let's throw some Monthly Visitor action on top of everything else. Yeah, she decided to come knocking on my door this morning too. There's such a party going on, she'd be silly to miss it.

I decide to go have lunch with my Mom to cheer me up because I'm about to lose it. Lunch was great, Coneys were great, visiting with everyone was great. Lunch rocked, I'm glad I did it.

Driving home, I realize I'm still fuming about getting the complaint about my car. I'm trying to just let it go but my brain's got it locked it in it's sights and it won't let go. Bear goes down for a nap and I type up a nice little letter to the person who filed the complaint. Since I didn't know exactly who it was, I made sure to print enough copies to put on the porches of the other duplexes in the cul-de-sac.
I distributed them and went back home where I scanned and emailed documents and pictures to insurance companies before finally giving up and taking a nap with the baby.

Woke up in time time to get him up and changed before Nana showed up. I changed while Nana fed him and then I told Nana thank you for watching him while Jim's gone and while I go to work, and I left.

I get home after work and my mom tells me that I need to go next door and talk to my neighbors, that they got something in the mail saying that our duplex had been foreclosed on. I rush over there to find that it is indeed true. In an envelope addressed to the occupant were official court documents stating that our landlord no longer owns this property and hasn't for like a month. We were aware of talk of foreclosure but we were hoping that it wouldn't come crashing down on us while we were still here. And we just signed a new lease with them!!!!! So, this will be interesting to watch pan out. My neighbor assured me that even though possession has switched hands that we wouldn't be forced out of our home.

Oh gee, I almost forgot to mention that when I went into the doctor to get checked out after my wreck, when they weighed me I weigh as much as I did 8 months pregnant!!!! *headdesk* It's time to make a change.

And, it's time to go to bed.

G'night!

Stuck

2010-09-02T14:25:00.003-05:00

So I've had it in the back of my head for a little while that there are some things that I would like to say to some people who are no longer a part of my life, although they were a large part of my life for a good chunk of it. And a pretty important part at the time. Things just ended suddenly, and I was not able to tell them what I needed them to know. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the reason for my sullen moods as of late. Things have been slowly eating away at me and are starting to come to the surface so much that I can no longer deny their existence.

What good would that do? Telling them these things is not going to change anything, the past is the past. I love my life now, and my life now does not include them. But if I've learned anything from the past 3 years of my life is that you have to tell people now what they mean to you, and tell them every day. You never know when you won't get that chance anymore. I can't change the fact that these people were a very large and important part of my life, and I cherish each and everyone of them still to this day. They are a part of my story and deep down in my heart I want them to know what that means to me.

It's been suggested to me to write these things down on some paper, address them to said people, and then drop the unstamped/unaddressed letter into a mailbox and be done with it. I just know that would not be sufficient for me to let things go. I need to know that they actually have read my words. And there's absolutely no guarantee that they would even do it! I've been gone, out of the picture for over 2 years now, and they may totally hate my guts for the way things went down (if a certain someone spilled the beans and they know the full truth). Even if they did read my note, it could become fodder for much ridicule from them at my expense. And Oklahoma is a very small world, especially when you're in Tulsa and OKC.

So I really feel stuck. One part of me thinks that the past truly IS the past, to let it go and focus on all the wonderful things in your life now that make me happier than I've ever been. Writing to them isn't going to change the past and honestly shouldn't change the present or future either. Then another part of me kinda feels that I can't really fully move on mentally unless I'm able to say a real goodbye to these people. I didn't get to say goodbye to someone and now he's gone forever, that is the absolute worse feeling in the entire world. I live with that pain every day. But these people are still alive and still able to hear what they meant to me.

Blogging my thoughts on this has not helped me to reach a decision. I know there will be suggestions made but it ultimately is up to me whether or not I carry it out. Maybe just getting it out here will be enough. I can hope.

insert anxiety attacks and fits of self-questioning

2010-08-30T14:16:00.004-05:00

So, my little man continues to grow up before my eyes. No longer is he the little baby that just needed food and fresh diapers and cuddles. No, he is now the willful little boy who no longer wants to snuggle but be playing on the floor (or at least not be held). The calm there only lasts so long because he gets frustrated because he's not as mobile as he desperately wants to be. He is so close to crawling but isn't quite there yet. It won't be long but it's certainly too long in his mind. And, after a constipation scare followed by several days of nothing but fruits to get the train running again, he's decided he doesn't want his once beloved peas. So dinner consisted of me shoving it in his mouth during complaining sessions, and preparing for the worst when he'd go through his gagging spells. We just installed a little play-yard with a fence and gate so he'd have his own safe little "Totally Cadence Zone" and he was cool with it for about 2 minutes. Then, hysterics even though he could clearly see and hear me reassuring him. And each time that he is anything but happy and comfortable, I feel compelled to do what he wants (or I think he wants) to be happy. But I also know as a parent that giving into him constantly will make things worse in the future. At the time he was just an infant and just home from the hospital and we were feeding and changing diapers constantly and I felt like a total zombie all the time. I thought this was the hardest thing ever. Oooooooh NO. And I know it will continue to be challenging. Raising my son is such a monumental task for me. I've had a lot of time to think about what it would be like to be responsible for helping to shape a human life, I've wanted children for years. I just want to be the best possible mother to him, he's my angel. I hope the decisions I make for him today will have the best impact on him.

blah and stuff

2010-08-20T14:01:00.007-05:00

It seems I'm chemically-imbalanced, crazy or maybe even possessed and unable to control my mood swings; I'm especially melancholy. I've run the gauntlet of anti-depressants, which is a voyage in and of itself. When you begin pharmaceutically altering the chemicals in your brain, you're playing with fire. And as much of them as I took, the variety and for as long as I did, I can't ever say that they really made me happy. They mostly made me numb to ANY kind of emotion. Once they even took me down to the brink, and I mean the BRINK. 'Nuff said. And I thought, "Is this worth it? Is this really life, is it really living? Isn't it better to feel SOMETHING (even if it's bad because there ARE the occasional splashes of happy in there) than to feel NOTHING?" At which point I ceased to take them and just managed the best I could. Drastic changes in my life then came about that were so painful and difficult, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. And yet I managed to pull through and come out OK on the other side. And happiness began to creep back in and it felt so wonderful. I followed it as far down the rabbit hole as I could. But it seems that no matter what, the black clouds always manage to find me. I hate it but I can't seem to hide from it, I can't deny their existence, and I don't know how else to fight. And as I'm beginning my new life (that truly does make me so immensely happy) it seems so cruel and unfair for them to show up again now. I've tried to force myself to focus on the positive and WILL myself into being happy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am positive of the few people that I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that will be there waiting for me on the other side of the storm, but I am wishing that I will be pleasantly surprised that there are others waiting when it's finally over.

A few things people should know about me (I guess)

2010-08-11T19:43:00.025-05:00

Since I've restarted my friendship journey, it almost seems like I need a personality handout to give to people beforehand so as to not waste their time (or mine) if they don't care for aspects of my personality. I like to think that I'm an easy-going person, and easy to talk to. But, there ARE aspects to my personality that others may find unsavory. I'm too old (and worn out) to pretend to be anybody other than myself.

*I curse a lot, although I DO try to curb this around new people (and those who I know don't appreciate it)
*I'm juvenile, I laugh at (and tell) fart jokes and toilet humor and off-color jokes.
*I tease people, especially if I like you.
*I'm OCD and had what I THOUGHT was social-anxiety (but I think it's more cynicism and a general lack of trust).
*I'm a drinker, but NOT like I used to be. Mostly a social drinker.
*I'm manic depressive, so I'm on a constant mood rollercoaster.
*I'm a smart ass.
*I've modeled in the past (and still do when the hubby begs me to) and quite a bit of it was nude art modeling.
*I wear my heart on my sleeve, and as a result I get my feelings hurt very easily.
*Anything that is bothering me tends to get bottled up inside until the pressure builds up to the point that I blow.
*I do not attend church, have only gone a few times in my life, and honestly am quite uncomfortable with the whole concept of organized religion. I do not, however, bash anyone for their beliefs/faith/religion. I accept everyone for who and what they are.

But, there are also good points about myself. I'm not ALL bad!
*I'm a good and empathetic/sympatheric listener.
*I'm a loyal friend and will always have your back.
*I love to make people laugh, and don't have a problem making an ass of myself to get a laugh out of people.
*I often give people 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances.
*I love to give gifts, and often they are surprises.

So, there it is. I'm sure there's more but I'm positive I've scared off enough people with just this post.

To: Shall Remain Unnamed

2010-08-02T14:53:00.003-05:00

It makes me sad that you are not a part of my son's life (or even my life, for that matter). It makes me sad for both of you because you both are missing out on so much. Time is slipping away (and you never know how quickly) and you never get it back. All this lost time is now gone forever. Of course there is still time, but one just never knows how much of it we truly have. I hope beyond hope that things will change. I miss you and I'm sorry for all that has happened. I cannot change the past but we CAN change the present and the future. I'll do everything that I can, I hope that we can meet in the middle and work toward some kind of relationship and involvement. I love you always, and will always be here for you.

Thoughts on friendship

2010-07-20T19:54:00.011-05:00

This has been a subject that I've spent many an hour (and probably even days and weeks) pondering, mostly as a result of the last several years of my life. I had a definition for what I considered a friend, and that definition held fast for many years. And after a while in my friend comfort zone, I became complacent in maintaining my friendships because they were always maintained for me. I realize the error in this path, only now that I have become seemingly incapable of creating and fostering new friendships. I am most definitely a lazy friend, expecting everyone else to do the work for me. I don't do it intentionally, I was just "spoiled" I guess. And then there's the problem of my personality. I know that I can be difficult and confusing, an enigma. There are so many aspects of my personality that I don't understand myself, and I believe that this is part of the problem. When I'm comfortable (or more appropriately, "uninhibited"), I'm cynical, sarcastic, an occasional gossip, foul-mouthed, a social drinker, most likely ADHD and/or OCD, and I feel like the list could go on and on (and most certainly NOT to my benefit). However, I do feel that I have some strengths (compassion, empathy, loyalty). I should put my best foot forward, but still want to remain true to myself. I've spent enough years pretending to be someone that I'm not, I cannot waste any more time doing the exact same thing. So it seems that I just don't really know how to connect to people beyond simple small-talk. I'm afraid that I'm too abrasive to just be myself and then I turn to overcompensation (which probably comes across as desperate). Seems I'm in a vicious downward cycle that I don't know how to pull myself out of.

All I know is that I miss having cool people to hang out with, have fun times with, and to be there for each other; people that you truly connect with, kindred spirits. Are there any out there for me?

6 months!

2010-07-19T13:09:00.005-05:00

We've made it six months, Cadence is half a year old today! I know I've said it before, as have plenty of other moms that precede me, and I'm sure that it won't be the last time that I say it, but I do NOT know where that time has gone. I mean, technically I know where it's gone because I remember everything in between January 19th and July 19th. On one hand it DOES feel like six months because I have six months of memories, and on the other hand it DOESN'T feel like six months because the time has just flown! And here we are... getting SO close to sitting up and crawling, rolling over at will, reaching for things, babbling a lot and sometimes mimicking sounds, giggling and playing with toys and people, starting to sit in a high chair and eat solid foods. When I think about how much he's changed and grown in this short six months, it still amazes me. What an incredible journey this has been, and it's only the beginning! We're starting to see his true personality coming through, and it's like a slowly opening present that I can only watch and wonder at. Each day with him is a blessing (even when we have vomiting and exploding diapers and grouchiness) and my life is all the better for it.

Happy 6 month birthday, Little Bear. Momma loves you more than anything in this entire world.

Blah. That is all.

2010-07-17T10:59:00.002-05:00

I woke this morning feeling sad and depressed after recalling them dreams I was just having. A dear friend posted on Facebook yesterday that her dog passed away yesterday and I'm assuming that is what spurred on the bad dreams. They opened the still healing wound of losing Schwartz, which is nearing its year anniversary. I don't know that the pain will ever go away, but thankfully it doesn't hit me every day anymore. I miss him and his friendship so much, I wonder if that isn't what I feel that I've been "waiting" for. His absence has left such a huge hole in my life, maybe my subconcious mind and my heart are waiting for some kind of return. Obviously I know that is impossible.

Just missing my dear old friend badly today.

Disappearing Reappearance

2010-07-16T17:40:00.002-05:00

Wow, I'm just really bad at this whole blogging thing. I start a blog, full of excitement and ideas and motivation and then WHAMMO! Those things are gone and it takes it's place among so many other unfinished projects. Makes me wonder, am I even capable of finishing things that I begin? I know I can finish tasks at work, otherwise I don't believe that I would still be employed otherwise. But when it comes to only being accountable to myself for the completion of these tasks, it's a rare thing that something I start out doing gets finished. Even now, as I type this, I can't even remember why I started writing this post in the first place. I'm now thinking that maybe I'm making it too hard, trying to make it into something it doesn't have to be. I can simply get on here and just type whatever craziness my brain is overloading me with at the moment.

So, there it is. I want to start blogging again. I am aware that this is something that I've said and done in the past only to find myself digging it back up again after an extended silence.

I think I remember now what I kinda wanted to discuss in today's blog, but got distracted and derailed myself. I dug out some old pictures last night looking for a particular set and was immediately overwhelmed by the memories and pain that this box of pictures conjured up. Will I ever get over it all? I don't regret the things that I've done and am very happy with my life right now. I've taken responsibility for and made my peace with the mistakes that I've made. And I am eternally sorry for any hurt that I have caused anyone. All I ever wanted for anyone was peace and happiness and all the best in life. I have all these pictures, all these memories, all these years... just... gone and worthless now. Part of me says to just get rid of them all, but part of me would like to hope that maybe someday I can look at them and appreciate that they're just part of the story.

OK, I guess I've rambled long enough for now. I plan to make this my dumping ground, soapbox, whatever you call it.

This is my house and I make the rules.

So, it's been awhile...

2010-02-26T20:44:00.002-06:00

When I checked last night on when my last post was, I think it was sometime in November. A whole lot has changed since that last post, and is the reason for the extended absence. However, I have a little bit of free time here and there and thought that it would be most excellent to get this blog back up and running. I haven't done much shooting at all, other than to shoot Cadence. :) He's my whole world, and really all I care to shoot at the moment (when I can catch him at a good time). It's like I need to capture all these moments of discovery and growth because I know they'll never come back. It's truly amazing to watch this creature turn into a human being with a unique personality. And what a personality it is so far! LOL He's quite cheeky, and such a good baby. I keep saying it over and over again, and it remains true: I don't know what I did to deserve such an angel. But he has touched so many lives in his short 5 weeks on this earth. I know in my heart that he will continue to do so. :) I want to use this blog now to herald triumphs and achievements, to vent frustrations and concerns, and to showcase any work that I produce. I'm sure it'll be sporadic, but I'm definitely going to blog when I can.

Cheers! :)

Tired and frustrated

2009-11-10T15:47:00.002-06:00

Wow, it's so hard for me to stay motivated to keep up with shooting and my blog. I think a lot of it boils down to working, preparing for Cadence's arrival in a few short months, being tired and with limited physical mobility, napping, and various other things that pop up and require time and attention. Shooting has become more and more difficult for me because I can't move around like I normally would, and as such I feel very hindered in my creative output. I physically cannot achieve what my mind is telling me to shoot, so I become frustrated and irritated. Then I give up and quit trying, which frustrates and irritates me even more! Maybe instead of getting down because of my limited range of movement, I should try to focus on shooting from what IS a comfortable position for me. Not a whole lot I can do about the tiredness, that's just part of the pregnancy game. But, I am not wasting any of my precious energy. I just have to be more judicious with it, spread it around so even my fun, creative endeavors get time too. Especially photography, I miss it when I don't shoot as often as I would really like to. However, even if shooting has to go on the back burner for a little while, I will have a wonderful little boy to shoot over and over and over again very soon. Gotta remember what all this is truly about.

Enjoyable and relaxing but a productive departure

2009-10-22T22:31:00.006-05:00

I created the self-portrait project for myself to hopefully motivate me to keep shooting. However, photographing myself on a regular basis just seems to go against my personality. I'm wholly unimpressed with myself, so why waste the time or effort photographing that? I'm sure I'll still do it here and there, since I am one of the very few people I DO feel comfortable shooting.

On a lighter note, I DID spend an afternoon with my cousin Rachel, walking around and discovering a local park, and shooting along the way. We had a grand time, found a super cool new location for both of us, and we both got some pretty cool images from the excursion. I don't feel so bad about not following the project like I had intended because I haven't abandoned it entirely. It really felt good to just shoot period. Getting out into the beautiful weather, walking around enjoying mother nature and spending time with my cousin... it just doesn't get much better than that. We had a good chat, and good shooting. Mission accomplished.

Orgasmic photography

2009-10-13T14:49:00.003-05:00

You know, sometimes I wonder...

"Why do I bother? What is the point? Who is really benefiting from this?"

This is what I sometimes wonder about my art, which pretty much entails my pictures. I've really poured my heart and soul into learning all I can about photography, and attempting to implement what I've learned because I want to get better at it. I shoot often (but still not as much as I wished), and not because I'm consciously thinking that I have to practice to be good. I enjoy shooting immensely; it's a rush when an idea washes over me. And then, the ultimate (the "creative orgasm" so to speak), is when you nail the shot and the picture kicks ASS.

Then I start to wonder if doing this I'm doing nothing but just stroking my own ego and feeding my addiction. It feels good to create that piece of work, from inspiration to finished product, but isn't that euphoria and satisfaction self-serving? The picture that I took of the broken chair I found outside an abandoned house near the airport isn't really contributing anything worthwhile to anybody. So isn't the whole process just a way for me to "get off" and get it out of my system momentarily? I mean, at least a product of sex is a human being who actually makes some kind of impact (positive or negative) on the world.

I dunno, maybe I'm slipping into a artistic slump. I hope the project I've created for myself will help pull me through.

On a rainy day in October

2009-10-10T00:15:00.010-05:00

I began my self-portrait project. I had toyed with the idea of making this a weekly journal of sorts, but I just want to try to keep myself motivated. More than once a week is fantastic and let's hope I can do some of those, but a weekly entry is generally what I'm aiming for.

Here are my submissions for this week. They obviously don't have any kind of autobiographical context, other than I just felt like dolling myself up and experimenting with some lighting and post-editing work. A mixture of flash/no flash from my camera, modeling lamp/no modeling lamp and various apertures and shutter speed were my "conditions" today. I'm fairly pleased with the post work I've done, although I know the heavy-handedness of the editing isn't for everyone. My focus for technical prowess, photographically speaking, still lies in my work outside of self-portraiture. Doing this kind of stuff allows me to practice a whole range of things without wasting the time of some poor model. I can flip-flop manual camera and lighting settings and really botch these photographs in editing without feeling guilty for giving my unsuspecting model really crap images in payment for their time. So, yay for self-portraits!

Insomnia typing

2009-10-09T04:19:00.004-05:00

Once again, I find myself sitting at the computer in the middle of the night, having tried and failed to sleep all the way through 'til morning. Not sure what's keeping me awake, the reasons are varied and often impossible to distinguish, so I rarely try to figure it out anymore. And not like it makes a difference anyway.

Lately I've been feeling the itch to shoot something or someone. There's been so much going on the past several months that I don't find myself with the time or energy or inspiration to do much shooting at all. I've had a few moments of slight inspiration here and there, but nothing with real gusto. I think I might've stumbled across an idea, though. What kinda kicked it off was thinking about how Jim and I have been shooting a documentary of sorts, creating images of the pregnancy week-by-week. I could do my own "documentary" : a self-portrait every week, with possibly some autobiographical theme or context. Like a photographic diary. And maybe this blog is the perfect place to showcase it. The more I sit here and think about it, I REALLY dig the idea. I think it could be something that I would enjoy doing and might yield some interesting images, a nice creative challenge for myself. :) *pats self on back* And, I believe I will begin this new project tomorrow. It's perfect, I'll have almost the whole day (and house) to myself.

I'm beginning to feel a bit tired now.... I'm staring blankly at the screen. Time to click "Publish Post" before losing this entry.

Night.

Enough is enough.

2009-10-06T08:54:00.004-05:00

I think maybe in a way I've held onto parts of my past (and the people in it), not really wanting to believe that all those years were all for naught. However, it seems to be that this is the case. Very few people from "the before time" keep in contact with me, if you can even call it "contact". Mostly its the random Facebook tag and that's all. And I'm not sure if its true, but it felt like the ones who were on my Facebook page were there to spy and gather gossip material. A few unceremoniously de-friended me, but a few stuck around (which seemed rather odd considering they never actually spoke to me). I don't think I would have such a negative opinion of them (or the situation) if there had actually been REAL contact going on but there wasn't. So, I'm left to speculate. Yet, it seems that even this small group that kept hanging around, for whatever reason, was really keeping me from fully moving on, and at the same time still had the power to hurt me with their indifference to my life and happiness and MY attempts to reach out for some kind of contact with them. This morning, I've just had enough. I'm finally putting my foot down and ridding myself of all of this entirely. I've made my share of mistakes, and I feel that I've punished myself enough for them. Don't I deserve happiness too? I never wished any of them any ill-will (and I still don't) but I don't know if the feelings are mutual. I refuse to let them hurt me any more. It's time for me to put the past where it belongs and finally, completely move on with my life. My life will change forever in January when Cadence is born, and he is truly all that matters now. So, a final farewell to my past and those in it. I wish them happiness, and am ready to fully embrace mine now.

A-U-Ep

2009-10-01T23:05:00.004-05:00

So, I guess I'm sitting here writing this because I promised myself that I wouldn't lose track of this thing. I really don't have any idea where this is going at the moment. I have times when I think of something clever that I want to blog about, but it inevitably when I'm lying in bed at 2:30 a.m. or I'm driving to work in the morning and I have no opportunity to write it down for later. I think, "That's so wickedly clever, there's no WAY I'll forget THAT!" Yeah right. And, tonight I was thinking that it had been too long since I'd written anything here and I needed to put SOMETHING down. I have a Voice Memos app on my iPhone, where I can record voice notes to myself. This could be pretty use because I can leave "notes" to myself at virtually any time especially when it's inconvenient (or impossible) for me to write them down. Funny though, I really don't enjoy listening to my voice and I think that this is why I've yet to make use of it. That, and feeling like a tard leaving a voice note to myself when someone is around to hear and see me do it. So as a result, I lose those unique thoughts and ideas to the wind. And this dribble it what comes out because I've guilted myself into writing anything instead of writing because I feel inspired. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. I suppose if it really starts to bother me then I WILL use the voice memos app and get over the aversion to my own voice.

However, I'm so lucky to be suffering from insomnia (and apparently leave tags and comments and such on websites with no recollection of doing it) so there is also the possibility of getting some quite interesting blogs during these kind of moments.

Benadryl is finally starting to kick in... maybe I'll get a good several hours tonight before getting up.

Peace out.

Musings on Motherhood

2009-09-23T20:46:00.003-05:00

I find it kind of cool that I'm at 23 weeks on September 23rd. Weird coincidences like that make me take notice. I'm not sure that it means anything, but its definitely cool (to me, at least). As I approach the 6 month mark (next Wednesday) and as I watch my ever-expanding belly, my impending motherhood weighs on my mind constantly. How does one know that they will be a good mother? The very thought that I am partially responsible for shaping another human's life is such a huge responsibility, at times I'm afraid and unsure.

Cadence is definitely a mover and a shaker, there are very few times during the day (or night) that he's not moving at least a little bit. For so many years, I've wondered what that sensation must feel like. Now that I know first-hand, I understand why all the pregnant women I've asked were unable to explain it to me. Each movement brings such joy to my heart, makes me giggle and sets a grin on my face. And for the first time the night before last, I was able to see him move underneath my clothes. It still seems foreign, surreal, dream-like. There is a human being growing inside of me, my SON. Wow, its just so incredible, almost beyond my ability to put into words.

In less than a month, we're having the 4D ultrasound done. This will give us the best idea of what he will look like when he's born. I have a feeling that this is going to affect me even more than the last ultrasound did. He'll have a FACE to go with his name. I can't wait to get my first glimpse of him, I know it will make me even more impatient than I already am to hold him.

For the time being, I'm fairly content with feeling him kick and squirm, and watching my belly get bigger and bigger, knowing that he's getting bigger and stronger with each passing day.

Its absolutely beautiful and amazing how so much in love I am with this little person that I've not even met yet. I hope I am able to show him all the love that I have in my heart for him.

And this whole time I've been writing this, he's kicking me. Almost as if he's trying to add his two cents.

I love you, Cadence. Mommy can't wait to meet you and hold you and kiss you and love you forever.

It's raining, it's pouring, it's finally quiet in the library!

2009-09-21T18:11:00.004-05:00

Oh, how I love the torrential downpours in Oklahoma. I love driving through flooded streets with only a foot visibility while dodging the idiots around me. However, there is an upside to it. The library is sparsely populated with customers, and it actually SOUNDS like a library. Quiet, the occasional page flip and cough, low conversation. I agreed to work extra hours tonight, and was cursing myself for it on my voyage here. There ARE things I could be doing at home tonight, but this isn't such a horrible alternative. I wonder if I'll even encounter a customer who actually needs my help. The few people that are here seem to already have a purpose. Oh well, good thing for internet games!

Oh, and to the random dude camped out in one of our QUIET study rooms ("quiet" is the operative word here)... even though it is almost deserted in here, yelling "RAPE" during your story to your friend still is highly inappropriate. Idiot.

Post Numero Uno

2009-09-19T23:18:00.003-05:00

So, here it is... TA-DA! My first post in my new blog.

*crickets*

It occurred to me the other day that I should start a new blog (or at least get the old one up and running again). I believe it was inspired by me helping a lady at work on the computer, she was trying to edit her blogger page...

Anyway, it seemed like a good idea so here I am. Numerous times in my life I have attempted at keeping a diary or journal of sorts. It works for a little bit, then I lose interest and leave a half-used journal to collect dust in some desk drawer. I'm hoping to avoid that this time, and maybe even keep up better with it, since this is done online. So, we'll see...

Having set up this new blog, I have spent nearly an hour playing with the layout and settings and colors and gadgets... I'm such a nerd.

But,

I'm starting to feel pretty tired, and this chair has reached the maximum uncomfortable point. Guess I should wrap this up for the night.

Before I go, I want to give a shout-out to my little man, Cadence, who is squirming and doing somersaults as I type.

I wish I had a clever sign-off.....