*insert anxiety attacks and fits of self-questioning*

So, my little man continues to grow up before my eyes. No longer is he the little baby that just needed food and fresh diapers and cuddles. No, he is now the willful little boy who no longer wants to snuggle but be playing on the floor (or at least not be held). The calm there only lasts so long because he gets frustrated because he's not as mobile as he desperately wants to be. He is so close to crawling but isn't quite there yet. It won't be long but it's certainly too long in his mind. And, after a constipation scare followed by several days of nothing but fruits to get the train running again, he's decided he doesn't want his once beloved peas. So dinner consisted of me shoving it in his mouth during complaining sessions, and preparing for the worst when he'd go through his gagging spells. We just installed a little play-yard with a fence and gate so he'd have his own safe little "Totally Cadence Zone" and he was cool with it for about 2 minutes. Then, hysterics even though he could clearly see and hear me reassuring him. And each time that he is anything but happy and comfortable, I feel compelled to do what he wants (or I think he wants) to be happy. But I also know as a parent that giving into him constantly will make things worse in the future. At the time he was just an infant and just home from the hospital and we were feeding and changing diapers constantly and I felt like a total zombie all the time. I thought this was the hardest thing ever. Oooooooh NO. And I know it will continue to be challenging. Raising my son is such a monumental task for me. I've had a lot of time to think about what it would be like to be responsible for helping to shape a human life, I've wanted children for years. I just want to be the best possible mother to him, he's my angel. I hope the decisions I make for him today will have the best impact on him.

blah and stuff

It seems I'm chemically-imbalanced, crazy or maybe even possessed and unable to control my mood swings; I'm especially melancholy. I've run the gauntlet of anti-depressants, which is a voyage in and of itself. When you begin pharmaceutically altering the chemicals in your brain, you're playing with fire. And as much of them as I took, the variety and for as long as I did, I can't ever say that they really made me happy. They mostly made me numb to ANY kind of emotion. Once they even took me down to the brink, and I mean the BRINK. 'Nuff said. And I thought, "Is this worth it? Is this really life, is it really living? Isn't it better to feel SOMETHING (even if it's bad because there ARE the occasional splashes of happy in there) than to feel NOTHING?" At which point I ceased to take them and just managed the best I could. Drastic changes in my life then came about that were so painful and difficult, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. And yet I managed to pull through and come out OK on the other side. And happiness began to creep back in and it felt so wonderful. I followed it as far down the rabbit hole as I could. But it seems that no matter what, the black clouds always manage to find me. I hate it but I can't seem to hide from it, I can't deny their existence, and I don't know how else to fight. And as I'm beginning my new life (that truly does make me so immensely happy) it seems so cruel and unfair for them to show up again now. I've tried to force myself to focus on the positive and WILL myself into being happy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am positive of the few people that I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that will be there waiting for me on the other side of the storm, but I am wishing that I will be pleasantly surprised that there are others waiting when it's finally over.

A few things people should know about me (I guess)

Since I've restarted my friendship journey, it almost seems like I need a personality handout to give to people beforehand so as to not waste their time (or mine) if they don't care for aspects of my personality. I like to think that I'm an easy-going person, and easy to talk to. But, there ARE aspects to my personality that others may find unsavory. I'm too old (and worn out) to pretend to be anybody other than myself.

*I curse a lot, although I DO try to curb this around new people (and those who I know don't appreciate it)
*I'm juvenile, I laugh at (and tell) fart jokes and toilet humor and off-color jokes.
*I tease people, especially if I like you.
*I'm OCD and had what I THOUGHT was social-anxiety (but I think it's more cynicism and a general lack of trust).
*I'm a drinker, but NOT like I used to be. Mostly a social drinker.
*I'm manic depressive, so I'm on a constant mood rollercoaster.
*I'm a smart ass.
*I've modeled in the past (and still do when the hubby begs me to) and quite a bit of it was nude art modeling.
*I wear my heart on my sleeve, and as a result I get my feelings hurt very easily.
*Anything that is bothering me tends to get bottled up inside until the pressure builds up to the point that I blow.
*I do not attend church, have only gone a few times in my life, and honestly am quite uncomfortable with the whole concept of organized religion. I do not, however, bash anyone for their beliefs/faith/religion. I accept everyone for who and what they are.


But, there are also good points about myself. I'm not ALL bad!
*I'm a good and empathetic/sympatheric listener.
*I'm a loyal friend and will always have your back.
*I love to make people laugh, and don't have a problem making an ass of myself to get a laugh out of people.
*I often give people 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances.
*I love to give gifts, and often they are surprises.


So, there it is. I'm sure there's more but I'm positive I've scared off enough people with just this post.

To: Shall Remain Unnamed

It makes me sad that you are not a part of my son's life (or even my life, for that matter). It makes me sad for both of you because you both are missing out on so much. Time is slipping away (and you never know how quickly) and you never get it back. All this lost time is now gone forever. Of course there is still time, but one just never knows how much of it we truly have. I hope beyond hope that things will change. I miss you and I'm sorry for all that has happened. I cannot change the past but we CAN change the present and the future. I'll do everything that I can, I hope that we can meet in the middle and work toward some kind of relationship and involvement. I love you always, and will always be here for you.