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It seems I'm chemically-imbalanced, crazy or maybe even possessed and unable to control my mood swings; I'm especially melancholy. I've run the gauntlet of anti-depressants, which is a voyage in and of itself. When you begin pharmaceutically altering the chemicals in your brain, you're playing with fire. And as much of them as I took, the variety and for as long as I did, I can't ever say that they really made me happy. They mostly made me numb to ANY kind of emotion. Once they even took me down to the brink, and I mean the BRINK. 'Nuff said. And I thought, "Is this worth it? Is this really life, is it really living? Isn't it better to feel SOMETHING (even if it's bad because there ARE the occasional splashes of happy in there) than to feel NOTHING?" At which point I ceased to take them and just managed the best I could. Drastic changes in my life then came about that were so painful and difficult, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. And yet I managed to pull through and come out OK on the other side. And happiness began to creep back in and it felt so wonderful. I followed it as far down the rabbit hole as I could. But it seems that no matter what, the black clouds always manage to find me. I hate it but I can't seem to hide from it, I can't deny their existence, and I don't know how else to fight. And as I'm beginning my new life (that truly does make me so immensely happy) it seems so cruel and unfair for them to show up again now. I've tried to force myself to focus on the positive and WILL myself into being happy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am positive of the few people that I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that will be there waiting for me on the other side of the storm, but I am wishing that I will be pleasantly surprised that there are others waiting when it's finally over.