Stuck

So I've had it in the back of my head for a little while that there are some things that I would like to say to some people who are no longer a part of my life, although they were a large part of my life for a good chunk of it. And a pretty important part at the time. Things just ended suddenly, and I was not able to tell them what I needed them to know. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the reason for my sullen moods as of late. Things have been slowly eating away at me and are starting to come to the surface so much that I can no longer deny their existence.

What good would that do? Telling them these things is not going to change anything, the past is the past. I love my life now, and my life now does not include them. But if I've learned anything from the past 3 years of my life is that you have to tell people now what they mean to you, and tell them every day. You never know when you won't get that chance anymore. I can't change the fact that these people were a very large and important part of my life, and I cherish each and everyone of them still to this day. They are a part of my story and deep down in my heart I want them to know what that means to me.

It's been suggested to me to write these things down on some paper, address them to said people, and then drop the unstamped/unaddressed letter into a mailbox and be done with it. I just know that would not be sufficient for me to let things go. I need to know that they actually have read my words. And there's absolutely no guarantee that they would even do it! I've been gone, out of the picture for over 2 years now, and they may totally hate my guts for the way things went down (if a certain someone spilled the beans and they know the full truth). Even if they did read my note, it could become fodder for much ridicule from them at my expense. And Oklahoma is a very small world, especially when you're in Tulsa and OKC.

So I really feel stuck. One part of me thinks that the past truly IS the past, to let it go and focus on all the wonderful things in your life now that make me happier than I've ever been. Writing to them isn't going to change the past and honestly shouldn't change the present or future either. Then another part of me kinda feels that I can't really fully move on mentally unless I'm able to say a real goodbye to these people. I didn't get to say goodbye to someone and now he's gone forever, that is the absolute worse feeling in the entire world. I live with that pain every day. But these people are still alive and still able to hear what they meant to me.

Blogging my thoughts on this has not helped me to reach a decision. I know there will be suggestions made but it ultimately is up to me whether or not I carry it out. Maybe just getting it out here will be enough. I can hope.