Thoughts on friendship

This has been a subject that I've spent many an hour (and probably even days and weeks) pondering, mostly as a result of the last several years of my life. I had a definition for what I considered a friend, and that definition held fast for many years. And after a while in my friend comfort zone, I became complacent in maintaining my friendships because they were always maintained for me. I realize the error in this path, only now that I have become seemingly incapable of creating and fostering new friendships. I am most definitely a lazy friend, expecting everyone else to do the work for me. I don't do it intentionally, I was just "spoiled" I guess. And then there's the problem of my personality. I know that I can be difficult and confusing, an enigma. There are so many aspects of my personality that I don't understand myself, and I believe that this is part of the problem. When I'm comfortable (or more appropriately, "uninhibited"), I'm cynical, sarcastic, an occasional gossip, foul-mouthed, a social drinker, most likely ADHD and/or OCD, and I feel like the list could go on and on (and most certainly NOT to my benefit). However, I do feel that I have some strengths (compassion, empathy, loyalty). I should put my best foot forward, but still want to remain true to myself. I've spent enough years pretending to be someone that I'm not, I cannot waste any more time doing the exact same thing. So it seems that I just don't really know how to connect to people beyond simple small-talk. I'm afraid that I'm too abrasive to just be myself and then I turn to overcompensation (which probably comes across as desperate). Seems I'm in a vicious downward cycle that I don't know how to pull myself out of.

All I know is that I miss having cool people to hang out with, have fun times with, and to be there for each other; people that you truly connect with, kindred spirits. Are there any out there for me?