Rollercoaster of Suck

Man, do I feel like I've hit a brick wall doing about 100 mph. There is so much discord going on upstairs, I can't hardly make sense of anything. My perception and emotions and judgment are all out of whack. And there is only but a tenuous hold on the ability to control my actions in response to my perceptions and emotions. I'm seeing things that aren't there, that aren't real. Not like giant penguins or anything like that but like imagined scenarios that don't include me, other people's motives in being a part of my life, thoughts and feelings that people have about me. And so often I'm convinced that there is malice afoot that I blindly lash out in what feels like self-defense to me but is, in reality, utter insanity. In the short time that I've been back in Tulsa, I have alienated more people than I believe I have in my entire life beforehand. These poor people are innocent, merely attempting to establish and build a friendship with me and I go and wreck it with my insane antics and hot-headed attitude. And, even worse, it seems on many days that I'm doing the same thing to my family and beloved husband. I'm honestly surprised that I've managed to maintain the few friendships I have these days.

I'm really disliking myself alot these days. And that serves to create even more chaos and anxiety. Where does it end?

This ride sucks, I want off. :(