Here is the contents of the letter that was distributed to my neighbors in response to a complaint to the City about my wrecked car.
If you are the person kind enough to call the City of Tulsa to complain about the wrecked vehicle in my yard, then please read on. Otherwise, you may disregard this message.
FIRST OF ALL, I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't hurt in the wreck I was involved in on Saturday, September 4th. Thankfully I was alone in the car and the driver of the other car wasn't injured as well. Unfortunately, as you can tell, my car was not so lucky. I tell you all of this because your concern for the well-being of a neighbor and fellow man is OVERWHELMINGLY apparent.
As you seem to be unaware, when one is involved in a collision with another vehicle (especially when it isn't your fault), dealing with the quarreling insurance comapnies can be somewhat time consuming. I have been working round the clock (along with trying to recover from my minor injuries) to come to a settlement with both companies and have the appropriate party come pick up the car. Luckily, it seems that things are moving along smoothly and the car will be gone either today or tomorrow. I apologize that my mangled vehicle was obviously so vile to have offended your delicate sensibilities.
I appreciate you allowing me from Sunday (when the vehicle was brought home to me) until Thursday morning before calling the City to make them aware. That's sure what I needed to get me motivated on this claim, otherwise I might've just let the car sit like that in the yard for who knows how long. Leaving broken down cars sitting in my yard for indeterminate periods of time is a weakness of mine. I can't BELIEVE I let 3 WHOLE DAYS go by with the car STILL sitting in the yard!!! How AWFUL that must've been for you.
Your pain and suffering will soon be over, I assure you.
And thanks again.
9/10/2010
9/09/2010
BRING IT!
**WARNING** I'm gonna piss and moan because it's my party and WHATEVA! I do what I want!
So, I feel tired and beat up after the last 5 days I've had. First of all the wreck with all of it's lovely glory. Couldn't move forward with the claim until I got the police report because the dipshit who hit me couldn't have a normal conversation with me enough for me to get his information, he immediately rattled off insults and shouting and cursing. But, turns out he was only 16 so that makes total sense to me now.
My car was returned to my house on Sunday, the day after the wreck, and was placed in the yard (where I normally park) until we got the insurance straight and the responsible party would come pick it up.
So this morning, after I put Bear down for his morning nap I look out the front window and notice a man walking around my car, making notes and talking to my neighbor. I quickly put my shoes on and go outside and ask him if there was a problem. He said that he was issuing me a warning, that a neighbor (not the one he was speaking to earlier) in the cul-de-sac had complained about the vehicle and that it was in violation of several city ordinances. I told him what was going on and that the car would be removed soon by the insurance company. He said it should be fine if I had the car removed by the end of the week. At this point I could barely speak, I was fighting back tears of anger and frustration. He gave me the notices and left. Stunned and close to rage was about how I was feeling as I walked back inside.
This came after a situation with my dear hubby's ex came to a point where we are immediately taking the older boys into our home for the next 2 weeks. That's all fine and dandy but this decision happened within a 24 hour notice. And they had also just been here for their summer visit not a month ago. I, ashamedly so, was not prepared to have to deal with them again so quickly. Mostly it's because we're already in such a small place. We're crammed in just the 3 of us, when you make it 5 (and Flopsy and I are the only girls) it gets crowded and uncomfortable QUICKLY. But, it really is in the best interest of the boys and being a mother I can't have them go anywhere but with us so I'll make the best of it. Jim got a phone call at 6:30 am and was on the road to Colorado by 9:00 am to retrieve them.
And, sure, why not? Let's throw some Monthly Visitor action on top of everything else. Yeah, she decided to come knocking on my door this morning too. There's such a party going on, she'd be silly to miss it.
I decide to go have lunch with my Mom to cheer me up because I'm about to lose it. Lunch was great, Coneys were great, visiting with everyone was great. Lunch rocked, I'm glad I did it.
Driving home, I realize I'm still fuming about getting the complaint about my car. I'm trying to just let it go but my brain's got it locked it in it's sights and it won't let go. Bear goes down for a nap and I type up a nice little letter to the person who filed the complaint. Since I didn't know exactly who it was, I made sure to print enough copies to put on the porches of the other duplexes in the cul-de-sac.
I distributed them and went back home where I scanned and emailed documents and pictures to insurance companies before finally giving up and taking a nap with the baby.
Woke up in time time to get him up and changed before Nana showed up. I changed while Nana fed him and then I told Nana thank you for watching him while Jim's gone and while I go to work, and I left.
I get home after work and my mom tells me that I need to go next door and talk to my neighbors, that they got something in the mail saying that our duplex had been foreclosed on. I rush over there to find that it is indeed true. In an envelope addressed to the occupant were official court documents stating that our landlord no longer owns this property and hasn't for like a month. We were aware of talk of foreclosure but we were hoping that it wouldn't come crashing down on us while we were still here. And we just signed a new lease with them!!!!! So, this will be interesting to watch pan out. My neighbor assured me that even though possession has switched hands that we wouldn't be forced out of our home.
Oh gee, I almost forgot to mention that when I went into the doctor to get checked out after my wreck, when they weighed me I weigh as much as I did 8 months pregnant!!!! *headdesk* It's time to make a change.
And, it's time to go to bed.
G'night!
So, I feel tired and beat up after the last 5 days I've had. First of all the wreck with all of it's lovely glory. Couldn't move forward with the claim until I got the police report because the dipshit who hit me couldn't have a normal conversation with me enough for me to get his information, he immediately rattled off insults and shouting and cursing. But, turns out he was only 16 so that makes total sense to me now.
My car was returned to my house on Sunday, the day after the wreck, and was placed in the yard (where I normally park) until we got the insurance straight and the responsible party would come pick it up.
So this morning, after I put Bear down for his morning nap I look out the front window and notice a man walking around my car, making notes and talking to my neighbor. I quickly put my shoes on and go outside and ask him if there was a problem. He said that he was issuing me a warning, that a neighbor (not the one he was speaking to earlier) in the cul-de-sac had complained about the vehicle and that it was in violation of several city ordinances. I told him what was going on and that the car would be removed soon by the insurance company. He said it should be fine if I had the car removed by the end of the week. At this point I could barely speak, I was fighting back tears of anger and frustration. He gave me the notices and left. Stunned and close to rage was about how I was feeling as I walked back inside.
This came after a situation with my dear hubby's ex came to a point where we are immediately taking the older boys into our home for the next 2 weeks. That's all fine and dandy but this decision happened within a 24 hour notice. And they had also just been here for their summer visit not a month ago. I, ashamedly so, was not prepared to have to deal with them again so quickly. Mostly it's because we're already in such a small place. We're crammed in just the 3 of us, when you make it 5 (and Flopsy and I are the only girls) it gets crowded and uncomfortable QUICKLY. But, it really is in the best interest of the boys and being a mother I can't have them go anywhere but with us so I'll make the best of it. Jim got a phone call at 6:30 am and was on the road to Colorado by 9:00 am to retrieve them.
And, sure, why not? Let's throw some Monthly Visitor action on top of everything else. Yeah, she decided to come knocking on my door this morning too. There's such a party going on, she'd be silly to miss it.
I decide to go have lunch with my Mom to cheer me up because I'm about to lose it. Lunch was great, Coneys were great, visiting with everyone was great. Lunch rocked, I'm glad I did it.
Driving home, I realize I'm still fuming about getting the complaint about my car. I'm trying to just let it go but my brain's got it locked it in it's sights and it won't let go. Bear goes down for a nap and I type up a nice little letter to the person who filed the complaint. Since I didn't know exactly who it was, I made sure to print enough copies to put on the porches of the other duplexes in the cul-de-sac.
I distributed them and went back home where I scanned and emailed documents and pictures to insurance companies before finally giving up and taking a nap with the baby.
Woke up in time time to get him up and changed before Nana showed up. I changed while Nana fed him and then I told Nana thank you for watching him while Jim's gone and while I go to work, and I left.
I get home after work and my mom tells me that I need to go next door and talk to my neighbors, that they got something in the mail saying that our duplex had been foreclosed on. I rush over there to find that it is indeed true. In an envelope addressed to the occupant were official court documents stating that our landlord no longer owns this property and hasn't for like a month. We were aware of talk of foreclosure but we were hoping that it wouldn't come crashing down on us while we were still here. And we just signed a new lease with them!!!!! So, this will be interesting to watch pan out. My neighbor assured me that even though possession has switched hands that we wouldn't be forced out of our home.
Oh gee, I almost forgot to mention that when I went into the doctor to get checked out after my wreck, when they weighed me I weigh as much as I did 8 months pregnant!!!! *headdesk* It's time to make a change.
And, it's time to go to bed.
G'night!
9/02/2010
Stuck
So I've had it in the back of my head for a little while that there are some things that I would like to say to some people who are no longer a part of my life, although they were a large part of my life for a good chunk of it. And a pretty important part at the time. Things just ended suddenly, and I was not able to tell them what I needed them to know. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't the reason for my sullen moods as of late. Things have been slowly eating away at me and are starting to come to the surface so much that I can no longer deny their existence.
What good would that do? Telling them these things is not going to change anything, the past is the past. I love my life now, and my life now does not include them. But if I've learned anything from the past 3 years of my life is that you have to tell people now what they mean to you, and tell them every day. You never know when you won't get that chance anymore. I can't change the fact that these people were a very large and important part of my life, and I cherish each and everyone of them still to this day. They are a part of my story and deep down in my heart I want them to know what that means to me.
It's been suggested to me to write these things down on some paper, address them to said people, and then drop the unstamped/unaddressed letter into a mailbox and be done with it. I just know that would not be sufficient for me to let things go. I need to know that they actually have read my words. And there's absolutely no guarantee that they would even do it! I've been gone, out of the picture for over 2 years now, and they may totally hate my guts for the way things went down (if a certain someone spilled the beans and they know the full truth). Even if they did read my note, it could become fodder for much ridicule from them at my expense. And Oklahoma is a very small world, especially when you're in Tulsa and OKC.
So I really feel stuck. One part of me thinks that the past truly IS the past, to let it go and focus on all the wonderful things in your life now that make me happier than I've ever been. Writing to them isn't going to change the past and honestly shouldn't change the present or future either. Then another part of me kinda feels that I can't really fully move on mentally unless I'm able to say a real goodbye to these people. I didn't get to say goodbye to someone and now he's gone forever, that is the absolute worse feeling in the entire world. I live with that pain every day. But these people are still alive and still able to hear what they meant to me.
Blogging my thoughts on this has not helped me to reach a decision. I know there will be suggestions made but it ultimately is up to me whether or not I carry it out. Maybe just getting it out here will be enough. I can hope.
What good would that do? Telling them these things is not going to change anything, the past is the past. I love my life now, and my life now does not include them. But if I've learned anything from the past 3 years of my life is that you have to tell people now what they mean to you, and tell them every day. You never know when you won't get that chance anymore. I can't change the fact that these people were a very large and important part of my life, and I cherish each and everyone of them still to this day. They are a part of my story and deep down in my heart I want them to know what that means to me.
It's been suggested to me to write these things down on some paper, address them to said people, and then drop the unstamped/unaddressed letter into a mailbox and be done with it. I just know that would not be sufficient for me to let things go. I need to know that they actually have read my words. And there's absolutely no guarantee that they would even do it! I've been gone, out of the picture for over 2 years now, and they may totally hate my guts for the way things went down (if a certain someone spilled the beans and they know the full truth). Even if they did read my note, it could become fodder for much ridicule from them at my expense. And Oklahoma is a very small world, especially when you're in Tulsa and OKC.
So I really feel stuck. One part of me thinks that the past truly IS the past, to let it go and focus on all the wonderful things in your life now that make me happier than I've ever been. Writing to them isn't going to change the past and honestly shouldn't change the present or future either. Then another part of me kinda feels that I can't really fully move on mentally unless I'm able to say a real goodbye to these people. I didn't get to say goodbye to someone and now he's gone forever, that is the absolute worse feeling in the entire world. I live with that pain every day. But these people are still alive and still able to hear what they meant to me.
Blogging my thoughts on this has not helped me to reach a decision. I know there will be suggestions made but it ultimately is up to me whether or not I carry it out. Maybe just getting it out here will be enough. I can hope.
8/30/2010
*insert anxiety attacks and fits of self-questioning*
So, my little man continues to grow up before my eyes. No longer is he the little baby that just needed food and fresh diapers and cuddles. No, he is now the willful little boy who no longer wants to snuggle but be playing on the floor (or at least not be held). The calm there only lasts so long because he gets frustrated because he's not as mobile as he desperately wants to be. He is so close to crawling but isn't quite there yet. It won't be long but it's certainly too long in his mind. And, after a constipation scare followed by several days of nothing but fruits to get the train running again, he's decided he doesn't want his once beloved peas. So dinner consisted of me shoving it in his mouth during complaining sessions, and preparing for the worst when he'd go through his gagging spells. We just installed a little play-yard with a fence and gate so he'd have his own safe little "Totally Cadence Zone" and he was cool with it for about 2 minutes. Then, hysterics even though he could clearly see and hear me reassuring him. And each time that he is anything but happy and comfortable, I feel compelled to do what he wants (or I think he wants) to be happy. But I also know as a parent that giving into him constantly will make things worse in the future. At the time he was just an infant and just home from the hospital and we were feeding and changing diapers constantly and I felt like a total zombie all the time. I thought this was the hardest thing ever. Oooooooh NO. And I know it will continue to be challenging. Raising my son is such a monumental task for me. I've had a lot of time to think about what it would be like to be responsible for helping to shape a human life, I've wanted children for years. I just want to be the best possible mother to him, he's my angel. I hope the decisions I make for him today will have the best impact on him.
8/20/2010
blah and stuff
It seems I'm chemically-imbalanced, crazy or maybe even possessed and unable to control my mood swings; I'm especially melancholy. I've run the gauntlet of anti-depressants, which is a voyage in and of itself. When you begin pharmaceutically altering the chemicals in your brain, you're playing with fire. And as much of them as I took, the variety and for as long as I did, I can't ever say that they really made me happy. They mostly made me numb to ANY kind of emotion. Once they even took me down to the brink, and I mean the BRINK. 'Nuff said. And I thought, "Is this worth it? Is this really life, is it really living? Isn't it better to feel SOMETHING (even if it's bad because there ARE the occasional splashes of happy in there) than to feel NOTHING?" At which point I ceased to take them and just managed the best I could. Drastic changes in my life then came about that were so painful and difficult, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. And yet I managed to pull through and come out OK on the other side. And happiness began to creep back in and it felt so wonderful. I followed it as far down the rabbit hole as I could. But it seems that no matter what, the black clouds always manage to find me. I hate it but I can't seem to hide from it, I can't deny their existence, and I don't know how else to fight. And as I'm beginning my new life (that truly does make me so immensely happy) it seems so cruel and unfair for them to show up again now. I've tried to force myself to focus on the positive and WILL myself into being happy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am positive of the few people that I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that will be there waiting for me on the other side of the storm, but I am wishing that I will be pleasantly surprised that there are others waiting when it's finally over.
8/11/2010
A few things people should know about me (I guess)
Since I've restarted my friendship journey, it almost seems like I need a personality handout to give to people beforehand so as to not waste their time (or mine) if they don't care for aspects of my personality. I like to think that I'm an easy-going person, and easy to talk to. But, there ARE aspects to my personality that others may find unsavory. I'm too old (and worn out) to pretend to be anybody other than myself.
*I curse a lot, although I DO try to curb this around new people (and those who I know don't appreciate it)
*I'm juvenile, I laugh at (and tell) fart jokes and toilet humor and off-color jokes.
*I tease people, especially if I like you.
*I'm OCD and had what I THOUGHT was social-anxiety (but I think it's more cynicism and a general lack of trust).
*I'm a drinker, but NOT like I used to be. Mostly a social drinker.
*I'm manic depressive, so I'm on a constant mood rollercoaster.
*I'm a smart ass.
*I've modeled in the past (and still do when the hubby begs me to) and quite a bit of it was nude art modeling.
*I wear my heart on my sleeve, and as a result I get my feelings hurt very easily.
*Anything that is bothering me tends to get bottled up inside until the pressure builds up to the point that I blow.
*I do not attend church, have only gone a few times in my life, and honestly am quite uncomfortable with the whole concept of organized religion. I do not, however, bash anyone for their beliefs/faith/religion. I accept everyone for who and what they are.
But, there are also good points about myself. I'm not ALL bad!
*I'm a good and empathetic/sympatheric listener.
*I'm a loyal friend and will always have your back.
*I love to make people laugh, and don't have a problem making an ass of myself to get a laugh out of people.
*I often give people 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances.
*I love to give gifts, and often they are surprises.
So, there it is. I'm sure there's more but I'm positive I've scared off enough people with just this post.
*I curse a lot, although I DO try to curb this around new people (and those who I know don't appreciate it)
*I'm juvenile, I laugh at (and tell) fart jokes and toilet humor and off-color jokes.
*I tease people, especially if I like you.
*I'm OCD and had what I THOUGHT was social-anxiety (but I think it's more cynicism and a general lack of trust).
*I'm a drinker, but NOT like I used to be. Mostly a social drinker.
*I'm manic depressive, so I'm on a constant mood rollercoaster.
*I'm a smart ass.
*I've modeled in the past (and still do when the hubby begs me to) and quite a bit of it was nude art modeling.
*I wear my heart on my sleeve, and as a result I get my feelings hurt very easily.
*Anything that is bothering me tends to get bottled up inside until the pressure builds up to the point that I blow.
*I do not attend church, have only gone a few times in my life, and honestly am quite uncomfortable with the whole concept of organized religion. I do not, however, bash anyone for their beliefs/faith/religion. I accept everyone for who and what they are.
But, there are also good points about myself. I'm not ALL bad!
*I'm a good and empathetic/sympatheric listener.
*I'm a loyal friend and will always have your back.
*I love to make people laugh, and don't have a problem making an ass of myself to get a laugh out of people.
*I often give people 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances.
*I love to give gifts, and often they are surprises.
So, there it is. I'm sure there's more but I'm positive I've scared off enough people with just this post.
8/02/2010
To: Shall Remain Unnamed
It makes me sad that you are not a part of my son's life (or even my life, for that matter). It makes me sad for both of you because you both are missing out on so much. Time is slipping away (and you never know how quickly) and you never get it back. All this lost time is now gone forever. Of course there is still time, but one just never knows how much of it we truly have. I hope beyond hope that things will change. I miss you and I'm sorry for all that has happened. I cannot change the past but we CAN change the present and the future. I'll do everything that I can, I hope that we can meet in the middle and work toward some kind of relationship and involvement. I love you always, and will always be here for you.
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