Thoughts on friendship

This has been a subject that I've spent many an hour (and probably even days and weeks) pondering, mostly as a result of the last several years of my life. I had a definition for what I considered a friend, and that definition held fast for many years. And after a while in my friend comfort zone, I became complacent in maintaining my friendships because they were always maintained for me. I realize the error in this path, only now that I have become seemingly incapable of creating and fostering new friendships. I am most definitely a lazy friend, expecting everyone else to do the work for me. I don't do it intentionally, I was just "spoiled" I guess. And then there's the problem of my personality. I know that I can be difficult and confusing, an enigma. There are so many aspects of my personality that I don't understand myself, and I believe that this is part of the problem. When I'm comfortable (or more appropriately, "uninhibited"), I'm cynical, sarcastic, an occasional gossip, foul-mouthed, a social drinker, most likely ADHD and/or OCD, and I feel like the list could go on and on (and most certainly NOT to my benefit). However, I do feel that I have some strengths (compassion, empathy, loyalty). I should put my best foot forward, but still want to remain true to myself. I've spent enough years pretending to be someone that I'm not, I cannot waste any more time doing the exact same thing. So it seems that I just don't really know how to connect to people beyond simple small-talk. I'm afraid that I'm too abrasive to just be myself and then I turn to overcompensation (which probably comes across as desperate). Seems I'm in a vicious downward cycle that I don't know how to pull myself out of.

All I know is that I miss having cool people to hang out with, have fun times with, and to be there for each other; people that you truly connect with, kindred spirits. Are there any out there for me?

6 months!

We've made it six months, Cadence is half a year old today! I know I've said it before, as have plenty of other moms that precede me, and I'm sure that it won't be the last time that I say it, but I do NOT know where that time has gone. I mean, technically I know where it's gone because I remember everything in between January 19th and July 19th. On one hand it DOES feel like six months because I have six months of memories, and on the other hand it DOESN'T feel like six months because the time has just flown! And here we are... getting SO close to sitting up and crawling, rolling over at will, reaching for things, babbling a lot and sometimes mimicking sounds, giggling and playing with toys and people, starting to sit in a high chair and eat solid foods. When I think about how much he's changed and grown in this short six months, it still amazes me. What an incredible journey this has been, and it's only the beginning! We're starting to see his true personality coming through, and it's like a slowly opening present that I can only watch and wonder at. Each day with him is a blessing (even when we have vomiting and exploding diapers and grouchiness) and my life is all the better for it.

Happy 6 month birthday, Little Bear. Momma loves you more than anything in this entire world.

Blah. That is all.

I woke this morning feeling sad and depressed after recalling them dreams I was just having. A dear friend posted on Facebook yesterday that her dog passed away yesterday and I'm assuming that is what spurred on the bad dreams. They opened the still healing wound of losing Schwartz, which is nearing its year anniversary. I don't know that the pain will ever go away, but thankfully it doesn't hit me every day anymore. I miss him and his friendship so much, I wonder if that isn't what I feel that I've been "waiting" for. His absence has left such a huge hole in my life, maybe my subconcious mind and my heart are waiting for some kind of return. Obviously I know that is impossible.

Just missing my dear old friend badly today.

Disappearing Reappearance

Wow, I'm just really bad at this whole blogging thing. I start a blog, full of excitement and ideas and motivation and then WHAMMO! Those things are gone and it takes it's place among so many other unfinished projects. Makes me wonder, am I even capable of finishing things that I begin? I know I can finish tasks at work, otherwise I don't believe that I would still be employed otherwise. But when it comes to only being accountable to myself for the completion of these tasks, it's a rare thing that something I start out doing gets finished. Even now, as I type this, I can't even remember why I started writing this post in the first place. I'm now thinking that maybe I'm making it too hard, trying to make it into something it doesn't have to be. I can simply get on here and just type whatever craziness my brain is overloading me with at the moment.

So, there it is. I want to start blogging again. I am aware that this is something that I've said and done in the past only to find myself digging it back up again after an extended silence.

I think I remember now what I kinda wanted to discuss in today's blog, but got distracted and derailed myself. I dug out some old pictures last night looking for a particular set and was immediately overwhelmed by the memories and pain that this box of pictures conjured up. Will I ever get over it all? I don't regret the things that I've done and am very happy with my life right now. I've taken responsibility for and made my peace with the mistakes that I've made. And I am eternally sorry for any hurt that I have caused anyone. All I ever wanted for anyone was peace and happiness and all the best in life. I have all these pictures, all these memories, all these years... just... gone and worthless now. Part of me says to just get rid of them all, but part of me would like to hope that maybe someday I can look at them and appreciate that they're just part of the story.

OK, I guess I've rambled long enough for now. I plan to make this my dumping ground, soapbox, whatever you call it.

This is my house and I make the rules.

So, it's been awhile...

When I checked last night on when my last post was, I think it was sometime in November. A whole lot has changed since that last post, and is the reason for the extended absence. However, I have a little bit of free time here and there and thought that it would be most excellent to get this blog back up and running. I haven't done much shooting at all, other than to shoot Cadence. :) He's my whole world, and really all I care to shoot at the moment (when I can catch him at a good time). It's like I need to capture all these moments of discovery and growth because I know they'll never come back. It's truly amazing to watch this creature turn into a human being with a unique personality. And what a personality it is so far! LOL He's quite cheeky, and such a good baby. I keep saying it over and over again, and it remains true: I don't know what I did to deserve such an angel. But he has touched so many lives in his short 5 weeks on this earth. I know in my heart that he will continue to do so. :) I want to use this blog now to herald triumphs and achievements, to vent frustrations and concerns, and to showcase any work that I produce. I'm sure it'll be sporadic, but I'm definitely going to blog when I can.

Cheers! :)

Tired and frustrated

Wow, it's so hard for me to stay motivated to keep up with shooting and my blog. I think a lot of it boils down to working, preparing for Cadence's arrival in a few short months, being tired and with limited physical mobility, napping, and various other things that pop up and require time and attention. Shooting has become more and more difficult for me because I can't move around like I normally would, and as such I feel very hindered in my creative output. I physically cannot achieve what my mind is telling me to shoot, so I become frustrated and irritated. Then I give up and quit trying, which frustrates and irritates me even more! Maybe instead of getting down because of my limited range of movement, I should try to focus on shooting from what IS a comfortable position for me. Not a whole lot I can do about the tiredness, that's just part of the pregnancy game. But, I am not wasting any of my precious energy. I just have to be more judicious with it, spread it around so even my fun, creative endeavors get time too. Especially photography, I miss it when I don't shoot as often as I would really like to. However, even if shooting has to go on the back burner for a little while, I will have a wonderful little boy to shoot over and over and over again very soon. Gotta remember what all this is truly about.

Enjoyable and relaxing but a productive departure

I created the self-portrait project for myself to hopefully motivate me to keep shooting. However, photographing myself on a regular basis just seems to go against my personality. I'm wholly unimpressed with myself, so why waste the time or effort photographing that? I'm sure I'll still do it here and there, since I am one of the very few people I DO feel comfortable shooting.

On a lighter note, I DID spend an afternoon with my cousin Rachel, walking around and discovering a local park, and shooting along the way. We had a grand time, found a super cool new location for both of us, and we both got some pretty cool images from the excursion. I don't feel so bad about not following the project like I had intended because I haven't abandoned it entirely. It really felt good to just shoot period. Getting out into the beautiful weather, walking around enjoying mother nature and spending time with my cousin... it just doesn't get much better than that. We had a good chat, and good shooting. Mission accomplished.