I'm putting it out there!

No, not THAT. You perv. :P

Seriously, though... I've gotten to that point in life again where I become so unhappy with myself that I launch a campaign of dramatic reform. The time is almost nigh, and I thought maybe putting it out publicly would make me hold myself more accountable for following through with my plans (something I'm notoriously bad at doing... I blame ADD. :P ). I'm putting it out there now because I don't want this to be confused for a New Year's resolution (which I don't believe in). However, I also think it's a little foolish for me to try to start any changes during the holiday season. So, I'm allowing myself this last time to fully indulge before I really shake things up. Merry Christmas to me! :P

I have decided that it's time to lose some weight and get back into shape. It's only partially about how I appear to myself in the mirror every day (I'm not really narcissistic). I think it's really about just being happy with oneself (which I'm not), and so that calls for a change in how I conduct certain aspects of my life. Gonna have to say "So Long" to my old pal, Dr. Pepper and ALL fast food. That's not going to be easy. :P As far as exercise goes, I'm just going to have to MAKE time for it. Having a soon-to-be toddler makes doing anything for any extended period of time extremely difficult. I'm thinking that morning is going to be about my best shot it because by the time I get home from work in the evening, exercise is the last thing on my mind.

TV. TV has got too much of a hold on me, it's time to cut the cord. Not literally, of course, don't worry honey. :P But, I need to drastically reduce the amount of time I spend in front of it. I want & need to read more, to my son and for myself. Socialization is also a goal, we have family and friends that we need to visit more often. Bear is getting old enough to really start interacting with other children, and I love watching him grow and change.

My photography, my art, is so important to me. I, along with my incredibly talented husband, have made a goal for us in 2011 to have a gallery show. To see our pictures hanging on the wall of an art gallery would be so incredible. This will require some work, some money and some leg work. But I think that this is something that I really need to achieve.

I'm feeling very optimistic. I'm enjoying myself now, indulging in things I shouldn't, and knowing it will all end soon. And I'm very OK with that. :)

Coffee's Brewing

Well, not really. But, the water is on for coffee. Instant coffee with Baileys. This is what I drink now, I guess. *shrug*

Had a mini meltdown this morning. I'm stressing myself out unconsciously, I need to quit. But, I'm still trying my best to maintain. Baby steps... baby steps...

I'm eyeballing the empty canvas hanging right outside my door in the garage. I think it's about time to slap some paint onto it.

*coffee's "percolating" now*

Got quite a bit of work done around the house this weekend, which always makes me feel good. I like to feel like I've accomplished something. My short attention span doesn't want me to be adept at finishing tasks before I've wandered off.

*time for Bailey's!*

Mmmmm.... That hits the spot. #2 for the day but spread out over many hours.

I'm laughing at my dearest who's drooling over guitars online next to me. How I love him. :)

Guess I'm just filling time and space here, didn't really come into this post with a real topic in mind.

So this is what you get. *NYAH* :P :P :P

Settin' it straight!

I have a blog that's in draft form at the moment, which is about a Christmas list that I spontaneously generated but didn't get to finish. I'm rather ashamed of myself at the moment, however, that I decided to jump ahead to what I want for Christmas instead of focusing on what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving season. And, being the lovely little OCD person that I am, I'm actually going to LIST some of the many things that I'm thankful for this year. I love lists, they soothe me and help me navigate through this chaotic and unstructured world. LOL

#1 - My absolutely adorable and special and totally rad Bears, Daddy and Baby Bear. They are the light of my life, the reason I get up in the morning (usually before both of them :P ); they are the reason that I do everything. I cannot imagine my life without either one, they are truly essential to my being.



#2 - My truly generous and supportive and big-hearted family, my parents and my grandmothers and my cousins who have given so much to us that there is no way that I could possibly repay all of them in this lifetime. I should not and cannot fail to acknowledge my truly special mother-in-law who I am eternally grateful for and wish that she lived closer.

#3 - My friends, those wonderful people who bring sunshine into my heart and my life. A big shout-out to the awesome Tulsa Area Mom's group that brought many of these women into my life. They truly are my sanity in my travels through motherhood. I love them! :)

#4 - My job, and my job helps me to be ever so thankful TO have that job. Every day I see people looking for jobs, updating resumes, testing for certifications. My heart goes out to them and makes me appreciate that I'm not only working and getting a paycheck, but working with some truly amazing individuals. A few have moved on to newer and different things in their lives and new ones have moved in, but I absolutely love my co-workers (throughout the entire library system and I love that I get paid to help people). I am truly blessed.

#5 - I am thankful for the people that have given their lives before, are giving their lives now, or will give them in the future, to protect the country that I live in and the freedoms that I am grateful to have. Military, police, fire, paramedics...I'm sure that my brain is forgetting someone but my heart is not.

It feels like there is more that I should be thankful for, and I believe that I am, but I'm finding myself sitting here and blankly staring at my desk trying to come up with a #6. I feel pretty confident that I've hit the super important parts of my life that I'm thankful for, and will spend from here on out finding something else every day to appreciate. :)

My "Christmas List"

This is in no way a passive-aggressive method of getting anyone to buy me Christmas gifts, I just thought it would be fun to list one out since I haven't actually made one in a number of years. I'm sure I wouldn't be located on Santa's "Nice" list, so it's really just to make myself feel good. LOL So, let's start with the realistic list:

• Candles, oh how I LOOOOOOOVE candles. Yankee candles are by far my favorite, some of Target's candles are quite yummy, and then there are the Glade and Febreeze candles that I've recently gained quite an appreciation for.
• Gift cards, most especially for places that sell gas. But, I'll pretty much accept a gift from anywhere. I can find SOMETHING I like just about everywhere (especially when I just hand over the gift card LOL).
• Manicure, pedicure, massage, facial... Any or all of them, just need a little pampering.
• A sushi lunch or dinner, with my love or a good friend.
• Wine, preferably red (like a cab, a shiraz, a merlot) but I'm really not one to turn down wine of any sort.
• Flowers, they are one of my most favorite photographic subjects.
• Did I mention Candles and Wine?

And now for some seriously wishful thinking:

• A positive self-image, a fair amount of self-esteem and a smattering of courage


• A return of family members who are greatly missed


• The return of good friends who have moved away


• The ability to take back all the horrible things I've said and done in my lifetime


• A Union Jack Mini Cooper


• An English Bulldog puppy


• A year-long excursion to Europe
  

I know that there are other things that I could add to these lists, but they are really only just for "giggles". This Christmas is going to be more about watching my nearly 1 year old son enjoy the heck out of "opening" his packages and spending quality time with my family.

The (Good?) Old Days

There have been, and continue to be, occurrences/situations/what-have-you's, that involve people and situations from my "old" life. How to proceed? What's appropriate? What makes me comfortable/uncomfortable? What would/could/should make others uncomfortable?

I often in conversation, when people are talking about and reminiscing about things they've done in the past, the places they've gone and such, crazy things they've done, etc., clam up and decide that it's probably better for me to not participate. It almost seems inappropriate (and at least somewhat uncomfortable to me) to discuss a life, with lots of memories and friendships, that no longer exists. Or if I do decide to let slip a little bit of information, I keep it as general as possible all the while detailing the important bits.

Moving and the subsequent unpacking led me to discover two boxes of photos (and framed photos) of said past life. I hesitated, chewed on my nails, walked away from them, came back to them several hours later, looked at the boxes, chewed on my nails... Do I keep these? I mean, getting rid of them is almost like throwing away a piece of my life, whether it is a life that I'm living at this point. But keeping them is a somewhat painful reminder and, in doing so, I'm afraid that it'll be uncomfortable to people. Plus, explaining who these total strangers are to people who don't know is just another twist of the knife.

And just now I'm thinking, "Why are the pictures and conversations bothering you? You seem to encounter them somehow rather frequently on Facebook." No one is specifically interacting with ME, but these pictures and stories involve my experiences with my past.

I'm keeping the pictures, occasionally I paw through them (generally going through large chunks, taking my time with each one is just too much) but for the most part they stay stored and rarely looked at.

I'm also keeping the memories, there are some truly great ones. Maybe I'll journal them sometime. As far as sharing them, I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I guess it all just depends on the situation and how I feel and such.

It seems strange to be bothered by all of this, since I am so happy in my life now. And I hope that everyone that I knew has the same thing. As painful as it was, I believe that things happened the way that it was supposed to, for the best of each and every one of us.

So I've been thinking

There was a time, some years ago, when I was laid off from my job (first time that had happened) and it really threw me into a downward spiral. I got really depressed and hit rock-bottom. Then one day I decided that I'd had enough, and began to work out for something insane like 2 hours a day. I also made myself a "To Do" list every single day, wrote it big on a white board for me to see and work on finishing every single day. It kinda gave me a sense of purpose, something to work towards every day, which felt good when I had erased the last thing.

I'm not sure that I can pull off the working out for 2 hours a day thing, but I'm DEFINITELY going to do something about losing the baby weight and get myself back on track. I've never met a single human being that doesn't have some kind of value to what they look like, so I am not ashamed to admit that I feel the need to improve things about my physical appearance to feel better about myself. It just matters to me, it is what it is.

The "To-Do" list has recently come to me as being a good idea. And I mean a "To-Do" list that goes beyond waking with the baby, changing the baby, feeding the baby, playing with the baby, putting the baby down for naps, washing bottles, doing laundry, occasionally indulging in my crime shows, and getting ready for work. I love being a mother, I love my son more than I can even express in words, but I gotta have something more than this.

I want to fix things that are going wrong. I have no health insurance so I can't see anybody about these problems. And, is that what is truly needed? I've taken medication before and it does help certain things but it comes with its own set of problems. I have a very bad taste in my mouth from them, I'm reluctant to walk that path again.

But I can't deny any longer what's happening. The question is, what am I going to do about it?

Rollercoaster of Suck

Man, do I feel like I've hit a brick wall doing about 100 mph. There is so much discord going on upstairs, I can't hardly make sense of anything. My perception and emotions and judgment are all out of whack. And there is only but a tenuous hold on the ability to control my actions in response to my perceptions and emotions. I'm seeing things that aren't there, that aren't real. Not like giant penguins or anything like that but like imagined scenarios that don't include me, other people's motives in being a part of my life, thoughts and feelings that people have about me. And so often I'm convinced that there is malice afoot that I blindly lash out in what feels like self-defense to me but is, in reality, utter insanity. In the short time that I've been back in Tulsa, I have alienated more people than I believe I have in my entire life beforehand. These poor people are innocent, merely attempting to establish and build a friendship with me and I go and wreck it with my insane antics and hot-headed attitude. And, even worse, it seems on many days that I'm doing the same thing to my family and beloved husband. I'm honestly surprised that I've managed to maintain the few friendships I have these days.

I'm really disliking myself alot these days. And that serves to create even more chaos and anxiety. Where does it end?

This ride sucks, I want off. :(