blah and stuff

It seems I'm chemically-imbalanced, crazy or maybe even possessed and unable to control my mood swings; I'm especially melancholy. I've run the gauntlet of anti-depressants, which is a voyage in and of itself. When you begin pharmaceutically altering the chemicals in your brain, you're playing with fire. And as much of them as I took, the variety and for as long as I did, I can't ever say that they really made me happy. They mostly made me numb to ANY kind of emotion. Once they even took me down to the brink, and I mean the BRINK. 'Nuff said. And I thought, "Is this worth it? Is this really life, is it really living? Isn't it better to feel SOMETHING (even if it's bad because there ARE the occasional splashes of happy in there) than to feel NOTHING?" At which point I ceased to take them and just managed the best I could. Drastic changes in my life then came about that were so painful and difficult, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. And yet I managed to pull through and come out OK on the other side. And happiness began to creep back in and it felt so wonderful. I followed it as far down the rabbit hole as I could. But it seems that no matter what, the black clouds always manage to find me. I hate it but I can't seem to hide from it, I can't deny their existence, and I don't know how else to fight. And as I'm beginning my new life (that truly does make me so immensely happy) it seems so cruel and unfair for them to show up again now. I've tried to force myself to focus on the positive and WILL myself into being happy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am positive of the few people that I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that will be there waiting for me on the other side of the storm, but I am wishing that I will be pleasantly surprised that there are others waiting when it's finally over.

A few things people should know about me (I guess)

Since I've restarted my friendship journey, it almost seems like I need a personality handout to give to people beforehand so as to not waste their time (or mine) if they don't care for aspects of my personality. I like to think that I'm an easy-going person, and easy to talk to. But, there ARE aspects to my personality that others may find unsavory. I'm too old (and worn out) to pretend to be anybody other than myself.

*I curse a lot, although I DO try to curb this around new people (and those who I know don't appreciate it)
*I'm juvenile, I laugh at (and tell) fart jokes and toilet humor and off-color jokes.
*I tease people, especially if I like you.
*I'm OCD and had what I THOUGHT was social-anxiety (but I think it's more cynicism and a general lack of trust).
*I'm a drinker, but NOT like I used to be. Mostly a social drinker.
*I'm manic depressive, so I'm on a constant mood rollercoaster.
*I'm a smart ass.
*I've modeled in the past (and still do when the hubby begs me to) and quite a bit of it was nude art modeling.
*I wear my heart on my sleeve, and as a result I get my feelings hurt very easily.
*Anything that is bothering me tends to get bottled up inside until the pressure builds up to the point that I blow.
*I do not attend church, have only gone a few times in my life, and honestly am quite uncomfortable with the whole concept of organized religion. I do not, however, bash anyone for their beliefs/faith/religion. I accept everyone for who and what they are.


But, there are also good points about myself. I'm not ALL bad!
*I'm a good and empathetic/sympatheric listener.
*I'm a loyal friend and will always have your back.
*I love to make people laugh, and don't have a problem making an ass of myself to get a laugh out of people.
*I often give people 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances.
*I love to give gifts, and often they are surprises.


So, there it is. I'm sure there's more but I'm positive I've scared off enough people with just this post.

To: Shall Remain Unnamed

It makes me sad that you are not a part of my son's life (or even my life, for that matter). It makes me sad for both of you because you both are missing out on so much. Time is slipping away (and you never know how quickly) and you never get it back. All this lost time is now gone forever. Of course there is still time, but one just never knows how much of it we truly have. I hope beyond hope that things will change. I miss you and I'm sorry for all that has happened. I cannot change the past but we CAN change the present and the future. I'll do everything that I can, I hope that we can meet in the middle and work toward some kind of relationship and involvement. I love you always, and will always be here for you.

Thoughts on friendship

This has been a subject that I've spent many an hour (and probably even days and weeks) pondering, mostly as a result of the last several years of my life. I had a definition for what I considered a friend, and that definition held fast for many years. And after a while in my friend comfort zone, I became complacent in maintaining my friendships because they were always maintained for me. I realize the error in this path, only now that I have become seemingly incapable of creating and fostering new friendships. I am most definitely a lazy friend, expecting everyone else to do the work for me. I don't do it intentionally, I was just "spoiled" I guess. And then there's the problem of my personality. I know that I can be difficult and confusing, an enigma. There are so many aspects of my personality that I don't understand myself, and I believe that this is part of the problem. When I'm comfortable (or more appropriately, "uninhibited"), I'm cynical, sarcastic, an occasional gossip, foul-mouthed, a social drinker, most likely ADHD and/or OCD, and I feel like the list could go on and on (and most certainly NOT to my benefit). However, I do feel that I have some strengths (compassion, empathy, loyalty). I should put my best foot forward, but still want to remain true to myself. I've spent enough years pretending to be someone that I'm not, I cannot waste any more time doing the exact same thing. So it seems that I just don't really know how to connect to people beyond simple small-talk. I'm afraid that I'm too abrasive to just be myself and then I turn to overcompensation (which probably comes across as desperate). Seems I'm in a vicious downward cycle that I don't know how to pull myself out of.

All I know is that I miss having cool people to hang out with, have fun times with, and to be there for each other; people that you truly connect with, kindred spirits. Are there any out there for me?

6 months!

We've made it six months, Cadence is half a year old today! I know I've said it before, as have plenty of other moms that precede me, and I'm sure that it won't be the last time that I say it, but I do NOT know where that time has gone. I mean, technically I know where it's gone because I remember everything in between January 19th and July 19th. On one hand it DOES feel like six months because I have six months of memories, and on the other hand it DOESN'T feel like six months because the time has just flown! And here we are... getting SO close to sitting up and crawling, rolling over at will, reaching for things, babbling a lot and sometimes mimicking sounds, giggling and playing with toys and people, starting to sit in a high chair and eat solid foods. When I think about how much he's changed and grown in this short six months, it still amazes me. What an incredible journey this has been, and it's only the beginning! We're starting to see his true personality coming through, and it's like a slowly opening present that I can only watch and wonder at. Each day with him is a blessing (even when we have vomiting and exploding diapers and grouchiness) and my life is all the better for it.

Happy 6 month birthday, Little Bear. Momma loves you more than anything in this entire world.

Blah. That is all.

I woke this morning feeling sad and depressed after recalling them dreams I was just having. A dear friend posted on Facebook yesterday that her dog passed away yesterday and I'm assuming that is what spurred on the bad dreams. They opened the still healing wound of losing Schwartz, which is nearing its year anniversary. I don't know that the pain will ever go away, but thankfully it doesn't hit me every day anymore. I miss him and his friendship so much, I wonder if that isn't what I feel that I've been "waiting" for. His absence has left such a huge hole in my life, maybe my subconcious mind and my heart are waiting for some kind of return. Obviously I know that is impossible.

Just missing my dear old friend badly today.

Disappearing Reappearance

Wow, I'm just really bad at this whole blogging thing. I start a blog, full of excitement and ideas and motivation and then WHAMMO! Those things are gone and it takes it's place among so many other unfinished projects. Makes me wonder, am I even capable of finishing things that I begin? I know I can finish tasks at work, otherwise I don't believe that I would still be employed otherwise. But when it comes to only being accountable to myself for the completion of these tasks, it's a rare thing that something I start out doing gets finished. Even now, as I type this, I can't even remember why I started writing this post in the first place. I'm now thinking that maybe I'm making it too hard, trying to make it into something it doesn't have to be. I can simply get on here and just type whatever craziness my brain is overloading me with at the moment.

So, there it is. I want to start blogging again. I am aware that this is something that I've said and done in the past only to find myself digging it back up again after an extended silence.

I think I remember now what I kinda wanted to discuss in today's blog, but got distracted and derailed myself. I dug out some old pictures last night looking for a particular set and was immediately overwhelmed by the memories and pain that this box of pictures conjured up. Will I ever get over it all? I don't regret the things that I've done and am very happy with my life right now. I've taken responsibility for and made my peace with the mistakes that I've made. And I am eternally sorry for any hurt that I have caused anyone. All I ever wanted for anyone was peace and happiness and all the best in life. I have all these pictures, all these memories, all these years... just... gone and worthless now. Part of me says to just get rid of them all, but part of me would like to hope that maybe someday I can look at them and appreciate that they're just part of the story.

OK, I guess I've rambled long enough for now. I plan to make this my dumping ground, soapbox, whatever you call it.

This is my house and I make the rules.